In the ER, because of an error!

I’m pretty sure, there are a million other places i’d rather be on a Friday night, than a hospital emergency room…
But when your wife is on chemo, and shows an elevated temperature and has been vomiting all night, it’s where you want to be! There’s always a fear of a low white blood cell count after chemo, and apparently, having a fever is a sign that should never be ignored.
So like a good, responsible wife, I insisted we go.
So off to the local ER we went!

When we got there, the triage nurse took H’s temperature, it was normal… They put us in a private, so we didn’t have to sit with all the sick people in the waiting room. That was nice because all you could hear was coughing, yuck!
The nurse returned several times to re-take her temperature. Each time yielding a different result, but all results fairly normal.

Then the doctor came in and ordered a blood test to make sure her levels weren’t dropping. He pushed, poked tapped and left the room.

When we arrived, it was 8pm. It was around midnight when the doctor came back in to tell us that H’s blood levels were perfect and that our thermometer was a BIG FAT LIAR!! Lol honestly, I’ve never been happier to waste 4 hours, just to find out that nothing was wrong.

It seems the vomiting has subsided, this was a side effect of the chemo. So all is good!

Time to get a new thermometer I think!!!

The fog has lifted

It has been a little while since I last posted. I suppose you could say, I was being held captive under a dark cloud. A cloud powerful enough, to hold me down, even when I was sure I was up. Depression is something I have witnessed, pretty much my entire life. Mostly through my mother, but also many friends. But not in me. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

If you ask most of my friends, they’ll probably tell you that I am strong. I don’t mean physically, but mentally and emotionally. I think I am too. That’s why, when this dark cloud was hanging over me, I panicked. I thought my days of being the never-crumbling rock for everyone, had passed.

I realize now, that much of the reason I was feeling like that, was due to our never-ending winter. Of course, watching my wife suffer through cancer everyday takes it’s toll too. But the weather, now that is powerful.

Since spring has sprung, things have changed dramatically. Not only for me, but for H too.

Two weeks ago, I went for a motorcycle ride with a friend. H had been experiencing some of the worst chemo side effects I’ve ever seen. For three days straight, she was so ill. But on this day, as I was about to drive out of the driveway, H came out to greet our friend. Not only that, but she also took the long walk down our driveway to get the mail. This may sound silly, but for her, after the way she had been feeling, this was a triumph. We have a very long driveway.

That was the beginning. The next day, it was like we had broken through a cocoon. Like we had been released from our captor. It quickly became clear to me that H was returning to her old self. That vibrant woman who I fell so deeply in love with, was retuning. I had not seen her since this whole cancer journey began, and oh how I’ve missed her.

Not only was the snow gone, but H was feeling physically better. For some reason, round 7 of chemo gave her the worst knock out. I was ready to take her to the hospital. Now, it was like none of that happened.

I know when she feels ill, it’s hard for both of us to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And just because she feels good now, doesn’t mean it will last. And that’s the worst part of it. Just when you get used to something, it changes. We’ve enjoyed several days of H feeling well. This means going out, shopping together, just doing the little things married couples do. I had taken those things for granted almost our entire 17 years together. Cancer slapped me in the face for that.

I have spent most of this long winter, panicked and angry and feeling sorry for myself and H. Who wouldn’t? But it’s time to change. Those negative feelings have brought us nothing, but more of those negative feelings. I feel like I woke up. That doesn’t mean I’m all happy and cheery all the time, I never was like that in the first place. But I feel more like myself. and H seems to be more like herself as well.

Regardless of whether cancer or some other awful disease has invaded your life or not, it’s important to enjoy the life you have. We have such a short time on this earth. Sometimes the people we want to spend that time with, leave us too soon. That’s why we have to savor every moment we have with the people we love. That’s why it’s so important to surround yourself with people who support and love you.

I don’t always remember to do that. I get consumed by my grief and fear of what has become my reality. The uncertainty, the sadness, the overwhelming fear of the unknown, these things grip me. But I am trying hard, to look to each day as a gift.  I’m not religious, but I am spiritual. Each day with my wife and my friends is a gift, and I can’t forget that. I have angels watching over me, I find some comfort in that. I’ve lost so many wonderful people, I believe they live on in spirit. I get strength from them.

So here is to better times to come. I hope you all remind yourselves to be thankful for life and the people who have crossed your path.enjoy every moment, make it count. Be humble and be worthy.

Am I falling into depression?

I’m a psychology major…So I should know the answer. But for some reason, I can’t quite figure it out for myself.

When my wife (let’s call her H), started chemo, I was approached by a couple of social workers. One from the hospital and one from the home care nurse. Of course their main concern was for H’s mental well being throughout this journey. But they would always ask me how I was doing. I remember thinking to myself, “why the hell are they asking me how I am? I’m not the one going through brutal chemo. I’m not the one facing my own premature mortality. Well, 6 treatments in, and now I’m starting to notice some disturbing changes within myself.

The most noticeable change, is my patience level. It’s non existent. I have zero patience for anything and anyone. My dogs look at me funny, and I yell at them. This is terrible. It’s not like me. I’ve even caught myself getting annoyed at H every once in awhile.
Another change I’ve noticed, is my lack of motivation. I could watch tv ALL fucking day. I just realized that in June, it will be a year since we found the lump. Holy shit, where did this past year go???
And I am sad. All the time. I could cry at any moment for no reason. Now this, this is NOT like me at all! And I gained like 15 pounds..holy shit…
And not to get too graphic, but cancer doesn’t exactly make intimacy a regular occurrence, in any sense of the word, which can make one’s view of oneself skewed.

This morning H looked at me and asked why I look so sad. I told her I think I’m falling into a depression.
To say it out loud, makes me kind of laugh. I have studied this and have seen it in so many others, but for some reason, I’m hesitant to diagnose myself. It Must be the negative sigma that comes with depression.

Some days are better than others. Today I got off my ass and took my motorcycle license test. I past. H bought me a motorcycle last year before all of this, and my plan was to get my license last year, but it didn’t happen because, well, cancer reared it’s ugly head.

I went out with some girls from my hockey team the other night. I realized that it has been a very, very long time since I had been out with friends. Moving to a new province left me with few friends, and H being sick hasn’t allowed for much time out. I found myself wanting to stay out longer and talk to people, but I also felt the need to get home to H, in case she needed me.

My latest feeling, has been that I feel like my life is over. I’m 35 years old and I feel like the world has stopped. I read people’s blogs about going out, falling in love, just living life and it’s hard for me. It pains me to say that because, I’ve always been one to encourage and enjoy other people’s happiness. But now, I’m embarrassed to say, it hurts me to see and read about it. I think this falls into my perma-sadness. If I read about someone falling in love, a sharp pain sears through my chest. It reminds me of H, and how things are so different and how our future is so uncertain.

I fear I may never know genuine happiness again.
Sometimes my mind wanders when I can’t sleep, and I think about what would happen if H loses this battle. Those thoughts cause me to have panic attacks and make me scared. We were supposed to grow old together, this was not in the plan. And if cancer was part of the universe’s plan, why did it have to be such an aggressive, advanced cancer…

I hate this. I hate being sad, scared, angry, annoyed, bitter, jaded, frustrated…at a loss… Depressed.. And always tired.. Wtf.

I suppose I should see someone about this. It’s funny because, like today, I’ll say I should see someone, by tomorrow, I’ll find a reason not to.

H sent me flowers to cheer me up. She is so sweet. Then I got upset because I thought, how selfish of me. H is sick and here I am moping around, so much so, that she notices. Something’s got to give, I’m sick of feeling like this.
They say you are only given what you can handle, I’m beginning to question that theory.;

The honeymoon phase???

This was the term used by the oncologist this morning. She used it to describe what to expect, when they stop my wife’s chemo.

We were hoping to find out today, that it would be he last chemo treatment. But the doctor tacked on 3 more. A bit of a blow, but we half expected it.
So I asked, what happens when the chemo stops.
This is when she brings up this “honeymoon phase”. Apparently, because the cancer is so advanced, as soon as the chemo stops, there will be some time where she feels good, could be weeks, could be months…But at any given moment, she could stop feeling good. At that point, the honeymoon is over so to speak, and she has to start chemo again. But not the same chemo… Now they’d have to find a new cocktail that will kill the remaining cells. The doctor also said she can never completely get rid if the cancer because it’s in too many places.

So what does all this mean?

Do all your chemo, then wait to feel sick, then more chemo, get sick… Until what?
Needless to say, my wife is struggling a little, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, as am I.

Here’s what I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I love my wife. I would take her place in a heartbeat, if it meant that she could live a very long, happy and healthy life.

Txbridgefarmer, wrote a blog about unconditional love. That kind of love is rare, and on that rare occasion when it’s found and reciprocated, it must be carefully guarded, treated with respect and cherished. My wife has shown me that love, as I have to her. I am thankful for this. Although it makes every moment of this cancer journey, that much more painful, and the thought if life without her, that much more unbearable. I am still thankful. To know a love like this, is a gift.

So what does our future hold? Only time will tell. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m trying hard not to change for the worse. I will stand by her side, even when she yells and screams at me in anger and fear of the situation, I will not budge. I will continue to make her laugh when we’re at a loss for words, and let her cry on my shoulder, when she starts to thinks too much.
I will be anything she needs me to be, because I love her unconditionally.

.

The Universe hates me…

Sure it sounds somewhat narcissistic. That I would believe I am so important, that the “Universe” would give enough of a shit, to make MY life hell on purpose…Well it has.
There is no other explanation I can come up with for all the shit that keeps happening.
I am officially at my breaking point. All jokes aside, my spirit is just about broken and my fiery light, out! The past few years have brought so much pain and frustration. Many close people have passed away, my wife’s stage 4 cancer and unknowingly having to sink over 100 grand into a house we bought.
We dealt/ still dealing with the deaths, we are plowing through cancer, and have handles the unexpected renos with grace…
Two days ago, the septic tank failed. No plumbing… No Fucking way!
My wife has chemo tomorrow, round 6. The guys promise me that they will have the plumbing up and running upon our return that evening.
So help me god, if it isn’t fixed by then, I may just have to lose my shit ( no pun intended).
My wife is overwhelmed by everything too. As much as I try to take care of everything, she can’t help but be affected by the fact that she’s been using the neighbours shower and bathroom for two days. Not to mention the front yard is all dug up.
I don’t know what we did in a past life, that was so terrible, to make is deserve this.
I found myself walking, hunched forward because I feel like I have 100 pounds on my shoulders..

Tomorrow, we find out if my wife is done her chemo. They will either say it’s the last one, or tell us she has three more… Here’s hoping it’s over!!!
I’m exhausted ..

Reaching out of a dark place.

For the past couple of weeks, maybe it’s been three, I don’t know, I’ve been in a dark place. A lonely place to be, yet I felt comfortable there.
I have been non-responsive to the world. Ignoring friends and priorities, but somehow finding the ability, to not let my wife know about it.
I’m tired of cancer. I’m angry at it, and what it has done to my life. I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want my wife to deal with it, I want it gone forever.

My friends offer to hang out at the house so that I can “take a drive” or have “me time”. But is that going to change anything? Will it get rid of the cancer? Fuck no. So what’s the point? I also don’t like to be away from my wife, in case she needs me, and what if this is all the time we have? I hate thinking like that, but I lack the strength right now, to control it.

For weeks I’ve immersed myself in video games. Xbox has been my escape. How pathetic. For a few brief hours, I get to play games and forget all the shit. I’m a grown-ass woman who hides in the world of video games instead of dealing.

I have slowly re-entered the “real world”, answering emails and phone calls. But cancer is still here.
This morning my wife was in tears because she looked in the mirror. I still see her beauty, but she sees a monster. It breaks my heart. No matter what I say, she only sees the cancer. The steroids that they give her during chemo causes her to be overly emotional. Random outburst of tears and anger. It’s hard to sift through the random bursts of emotions and find a glimpse of my wife’s real self.

I wake up every morning, and it feels as though someone is sitting on my chest.
The CT scans have shown a decrease in the size of the cancer throughout my wife’s body, yet I still have a hard time breathing. At first I was excited, but my wife was not. I didn’t understand. Then, at her next appointment after having yet another CT scan, she didn’t even let the doctor talk about it. She didn’t want to know the results. I was astonished. I respected her decision not to know, but it makes no sense to me.

So this is part of the reason in fell into a dark place. It’s hard to cope. It was easier at first. Up until her third treatment, I was fine. Now, having completed round 5, it getting harder. She is projected to have between 6 and 9 treatments. If it’s 6 (which I doubt), it would mean her next one is the last. That scares the crap out of me. Let’s be real, she has stage 4 triple negative breast cancer. With metastasis (cancer that has spread), in her lungs, kidneys, ovaries and stomach area. The idea of stopping treatment freaks me right out.

I can barley remember life before cancer. Actually that’s bull shit. I remember it all too well, I just hate thinking about it because it hurts way too much. I don’t know if we will ever be back there.

I don’t mean to bitch and moan, but… Ah fuck it, I’m bitching and moaning.

I can’t imagine being anywhere else in the world other than here with my wife. I would take all her pain and treatments instead if her if I could. “In sickness and in health”, that’s what I vowed to, and I stand by it. My bitching here, is healthy I think, it lets me release my pain so that I can be strong for her.

Now if I could only find a way to convince her, that she is still so beautiful. Because she is. When I look at her, I see past the hair loss, past the chemo mask that she sees. I see her soul, her beautiful blue eyes, I see my wife as I have for 16 years…

My apologies for the swearing.

Lost

I have never been really good at directions. What kind of directions? ALL. Whether it’s driving somewhere, or finding a path in my life. It’s always been have been difficult to map and navigate.
Luckily for me, technology has pretty much solved one end of that dysfunction, with GPS. Now, if only someone could invent a GPS for life.
I suppose that, wouldn’t be any fun anyway, because half the fun in life, is the journey and not the destination right?!?

My latest “journey” (before my wife’s cancer diagnosis), was going back to school. University. Holy shit.
I started in September 2012 going for a bachelors degree, taking night classes. I was hoping to dive right into psychology. but it turns out, when you only have your high school diploma, and you got that in 1996, they don’t just let you pick and choose. Silly me.
So in September 2013, I began year two of a three year program, this time, full-time during the day.

I’m not sure I realized what being a 35 year old in university full-time during the day, actually meant. I soon found out. As I sat in class the first day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am old… Here I was so eager to learn, feeling like a kid again, until I looked around. I was surrounded by 18,19,20 year olds. Feet up, phones in hand, laptops scattered everywhere. Where the hell was I? I figured once the professor entered, things would clean up. She entered, but nobody moved. In fact, I think the room got louder. I was sitting in the front row, ready to take notes (by hand). All could hear now was the tapping of keyboards. Does anyone use pen and paper anymore? Apparently I’m a dinosaur. Thankfully I am computer literate and can do my homework and essays, but I was truly amazed at how things have changed so drastically. I’m ok with change, especially if it makes things better, but nearly being trampled by a herd of students because they are walking and texting is not a good thing.
I felt like a carton character those first few weeks. Dodging people who didn’t even know I was there, being stared at because I could basically be these kids parent.

Things got even more interesting for me when the professor said, team up… I’m pretty sure the whole class heard me gulp. I sat in my chair, shyly glancing around, watching people quickly gravitate to each other. I thought, this is going to be embarrassing. I’ve been trying to stay under the radar and just mind my own business and now I won’t have a partner. But, apparently, I underestimated these kids. Two girls came up to me and wanted to work with me, (impossible not to blush). Maybe they felt sorry for me lol I don’t care, at least I had partners.

It’s kind of funny doing a project with such young people. Questions like, “what’s an LP?” Or “is vanilla sky a song or a movie?” Made me cringe. But I suppose my questions like, “what is twerking?” Or “who’s Drake?” Were just as ridiculous to them. But we worked it out.

Thankfully that process is over. I now know what to expect and I know I can deal with it. As it turned out, given the circumstances, severity and progression of my wife’s disease, I chose to take a semester off in order to care for her and take her to appointments. My school is an hour and a half away, so it seemed too far to be, in case she needed me.
My plan is to return this fall 2014. If all goes well and my wife goes into remission, this is what I will do.

Sounds like I have direction doesn’t it?! But here’s where I fall short. I know what “kind” of work I want to do, but I still don’t have a solid path. I keep hoping, that by going to school, I will come across a specialty or more specific path. But since I’ve been off, I feel lost. Before, I felt I had the right path, I had the determination and drive. Now, all I feel is scared. Things with my wife are so uncertain, I can’t even think about the future. We have to take it day by day which makes thinking of the future hard.
I have to register by May, which gives me some time to get my shit together. But still. What if she still needs me home? What if things go south? I don’t even care for my school at this point, but it is a goal I have long been aiming for.

I always sucked at school, I always had “better” things to do. So to be as focused and ready and brave as I was to go back, was huge. And it made my wife so proud of me too… Just a bonus. But as the future is fuzzy right now, it’s hard to rev up the engine and get ready for more. I have to complete this and I will, it’s just hard to know what’s going to happen. Things are so uncertain… It makes me a little crazy.

I suppose I will find my way, I usually do, I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I thought I was doing the right thing by going to school and making something of myself. It just seems so tragic, that reaching a life long goal must be interrupted by my worst nightmare.

I guess only time will tell how this all plays out, I can only hope and pray it goes in mine and my wife’s favour…

Scar tissue

Last night, I hardly slept. I lay there, staring at the ceiling. I looked across the king size bed, only to be reminded, that I lay there alone. My wife sleeps in the guest room. She is often awake at night due to the steroids she gets during chemo, so she sleeps in the other room not to wake me.
But still, I find myself wishing she would wake me, wishing I could, once again reach across and feel her beside me as I have for 16 years now. Instead, Every-time it wake up, there is a very brief moment, when I forget everything that is bad. And then, I reach across and am brutally reminded of our reality.

There are moments, when I will get up and check on her, to make sure she is still here. My mind plays tricks on me, and terrible thoughts rush through my head. I’ve had nightmares of waking up and I can’t find her anywhere, she is gone forever.

I have not slept enough, I am too emotional. This makes putting on a brave face for my wife when she wakes up, difficult. I hate days like this. The slightest thing can make me cry, that’s so unusual for me. I am always a rock emotionally, but cancer has stripped me of my strength. It has brought me to my knees. It has attacked the one person on this earth, I can not be without. It has shaken me to my very foundation.

Over the years, My heart has been torn by my mother, broken by lovers, darkened by wolves in Sheep’s clothing and stabbed by toxic people. But amidst all that, it has been opened and restored, it has been shown love and how to love. It has been strengthened and given the power to heal all the scar tissue left, from traumas past. It now faces the most difficult challenge of all. I feel it tear and break daily, I only hope it has enough strength to repairs itself once this nightmare is past.

I’m happy I can blog, because I choose to be private about my feelings to friends, mostly because I just can’t verbally express them without crying. Nor can I write without crying but you can’t see me lol

I almost feel better for the moment…

CT scan

Tomorrow we get the results from my wife’s first CT since starting chemo.
I think we’ve been on edge for a week now. It’s hard to know how to feel. She looks good, feels good, does that mean the results will show the cancer has shrunk? We’ve been through way too many emotional roller coasters lately, I really don’t know how much more I can take.
I nearly had a panic attack just before falling asleep last night. So many thoughts swirling around in my head, it makes me dizzy.

Right after we get the results, whatever they are, my wife then has to sit through another 6 hour chemo treatment. Of course I sit right there with her, we make a day if it. As shitty as it is, we do our best to make it enjoyable.

It’s funny, I keep catching myself gasping for a breath every so often. I guess I’m holding my breath without realizing it.

This fork in the road of our journey, has brought us closer as a couple, which I didn’t think was possible. I only wish I could make everything ok again. Make my wife healthy again. But I can’t… I can only listen to her, hug her, hold her, cry with her, encourage her, and be with her, every step of the way, and love her.
Aside from that, what can I do for her?!

My sister is convinced that the results will be in our favour. I hope she’s right.

I doubt either of us will get much sleep tonight. This feels like the night before the appointment, when we waited to know if she had cancer in the first place. That sucked, and so did the results. But we weren’t prepared, well how can you be? We’re not prepared this time either, but we’ve had just about the worst news ever already, when the doc said she could either get better or go quickly. So, I have to believe the news tomorrow will be better than that.
********************************
***positive thoughts and energy***
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This is what will get us through!

~ update ~
The scans showed, the cancer is shrinking! F#%king incredible! Let’s keep the miracles happening!
Positive energy is amazing, thank you!

True colours

Over the past six months or so, since my wife’s cancer diagnosis, I’ve come to realize something interesting. When you go through something life changing, wether for better or for worse, you will see people’s true colours come out. And I have to admit, I was both amazed and appalled.

The first person I told about my wife’s illness, was my sister. She has never really been close to my wife, but they get along. She sent a beautiful care package, filled with thoughtful gifts and uplifting words. It was wonderful.

A friend of ours, someone we’ve know for over 15 years, came to stay with us. She helped me take of my wife when she was not doing so well after chemo. This friend has continued to come and stay with us for a few days every couple of weeks to help me out and be there for both of us. This was truly amazing because we had just recently reconnected with this friend, after a 4 year spell of not speaking.

A friend of mine, that I’ve known for over 16 years, has been in touch regularly. We haven’t seen each other in many years, but she is still there for me if I need her.

Another friend of mine, someone I was close to recently, someone who always said she’d be there for us, disappointed me. When I needed someone the most, she wasn’t there anymore. I’m not one to reach out for help. I’d like to think, if you care and you’re my friend, you’re going to check in from time to time. But not her, it hurt me a lot. I decided this was not the kind of friend that I wanted in my life and I have since stopped talking to her. Maybe that seems harsh, but watching my wife suffer and being helpless to help her and not knowing how long she has, has been the scariest and most painful experience in my life, and I was/am in need of a friend. Friends are supposed to be there through the good and the bad as far as I’m concerned.

We experienced a few other friends who acted similarly.
But most recently, I was blown away by the thoughtfulness and generosity of a friend of mine. Actually she was my first girlfriend. I don’t like to call her my ex, because we were so young when we were together, and she is married with children now. She doesn’t hold that “ex girlfriend” cliché in my eyes, she’s a friend, and a good one at that!
Anyway, I sent her an email recently and told her what was going on. A few days later a package arrived for my wife. It was filled with wonderful gifts that made my wife light up with happiness. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I found it to be such a wonderful gesture. I don’t know if she realizes how much that gesture was appreciated.

It’s never easy to find out bad news regarding a friend, no one wants to know the horrible details. But if you tell a friend that you’ll always be there for them, make sure you mean it. Because when you don’t, or you flake out last minute because you can’t handle it, just know, it hurts the friend that needs you.
I take my friendships seriously, I only have a handful of good friends, but I’ll be there for them at the drop of a hat.

Several people surprisingly disappointed me, but several more blew me away. I guess you can’t predict how people will react during tough times, you just have to hope you’ve got good people around you.