My beautiful wife H, celebrated her ninth and final chemo treatment 2 weeks ago today. The plan was to stop treatment for awhile, because it had made progress in shrinking the tumors. Her doctor, H and I all agreed, that H needed a break. This last chemo was on a Monday.
On the Friday of the that week, so four days after chemo, I had to drive to Montreal (3 1/2 hours away) to help a friend move. H was very emotional that day, and said she didn’t want me to leave, so I said, “if you feel well enough, why don’t you just come for a ride with me”.
She agreed. She also insisted on driving. As we were going along, I noticed that she was swerving a little too much for my liking. I asked her if she was ok. She said yes and continued. Then, she started driving in the opposite traffic lane. That’s when I demanded she stop the car and let me take over.
Once I took over driving, she just stared off into the distance and didn’t speak. I figured she was just pissed off because I said her driving was scaring me. (normally she is a fantastic driver, she even races her sports car on the track).
We met up with our friend and made our way to the local coffee shop to pick up coffee for the road. Our friend came to the car, H got out and gave her a hug. Shortly there after, H got back into the car and looked perplexed. I asked what was wrong, she started saying strange things that didn’t make sense. She was reaching for her seat belt on the wrong side and trying to make sentences, but couldn’t. It was hard to know if this was chemo brain, because she had been suffering from that lately, but not quite like this.
I decided to continue on to Montreal with her. Throughout the ride, H was very quiet, often just gazing about, and then falling asleep here and there. I figured she was just tired from the chemo. We were about 5 minutes from our destination, and she began to vomit in the car. Once I stopped at my friends house, I helped H out of the car and tried to get her to sit on a chair. I positioned the chair behind her, but she kept turning in circles. It was like she couldn’t find the chair. finally i managed to get her to sit.I changed her pants and shoes because she had vomited on them. My friend gave me clothes for her.
I quickly loaded the few things into the truck and headed back to home. The whole way home, H was vomiting. I went as fast as I could and called the home nurse on the way. When we finally arrived home, the nurse came and hooked H up to hydration and gave her a steroid medication to ease any swelling in her brain. H was also complaining of a headache. The nurse strongly recommended that we go to the ER, but H would have none of it. So the alternative was to take the steroid meds and hope things change.
That night, anytime H got up, so did I. She was not able to use the bathroom properly, she would reach toward the wall to flush, and make actions of taking toilet paper, but not actually taking any. So each time she got up, which was almost every hour, I was there to help her. I was afraid she may hurt herself. She was also unable to tell me the date, my name, or any other simple answers to questions she should know.
Finally, on the Monday she knew the date! This was amazing, not only that, she was back to herself again. Completely able bodied and mentally capable. It seemed as though the episode had passed, and H could now focus on getting back to “normal” life. The entire week that followed was a beautiful one. H and I went to many places, did some shopping, laughed and just enjoyed every moment together.
Saturday, my father came over to help me build some stairs going down to the lake by our house. H made everyone breakfast before she left to meet a friend. She returned a few hours later. Another friend came for a visit that day and showed up at the same time as H.
H sat in her car. it looked as though she was staring in my direction and not moving. I asked her if she was ok, she replied yes. I found her demeanor and tone odd, but I didn’t think too much of it. She then got out of the car and greeted our friend.
I continued to work with my dad and I left H with her friend. I occasionally came back up to retrieve more wood, and each time I did, the two of them were sitting on the little bench, our friend chatting away and H seemed to be staring off as he spoke to her. Again, I just thought she might be getting tired, because she often got tired quickly after being out and about. Nothing abnormal.
My dad informed me that we were in need of more wood for the project, so he and I left to get more. H and our friend were still together when I left, she waved goodbye and all was well.
Upon returning home, I saw that our friend had left. My dad and I brought the wood to the project site on the side of the house. I went to look for H. She was sitting on the back deck facing the lake. She seemed off, a little spacey. I was staring to get nervous because I remembered how she was the Friday before when we went to Montreal. She started to have that similar spaced out gaze. She assured me that she was ok, so I went back to working on the stairs. But it was nagging at me. So I went back to her, this time, she was standing at the top of the stairs not moving a muscle, just staring off. Again I said, are you ok, with frustration in her voice, she said yes. So again, I went back to working. My sister, who was also there, said that she saw H sitting on the dock for almost 30 minutes while I was at the store buying wood. then H picked a flower and gave it to my sister. all the while being very spacey.
When she told me that, I dropped my drill and ran back to H. I sat at the patio table and looked her in the eyes and said, “Whats the date today?” She didn’t lift her gaze and just said 2014. I said “ok good.” and then her arms went up in the air and she pushed back in her chair and was having a seizure. I screamed for my sister who came running and held her while I got the phone to call 911.
When I returned to the back deck, H was just coming out of the first seizure, and then had another right away. This time she was blue and not breathing. The 911 operator told me to put her on her side. She had been sitting in a chair so she needed to be put on the ground. H is not a small girl, and my sister was trying to figure out to move her without dropping her. I barged in, picked H up and placed her gently on her side on the floor, she began to breathe. Don’t ask me how the hell I did it, I just did. there’s something about seeing the love of your life turning blue because she can’t breath, and staring into your eyes with shear panic in her eyes, that makes you superwoman. I now have that image of her fearful gaze etched in my brain, and it is so frightening. As the paramedics arrived, she had yet another seizure.
They took her to the local hospital and then transferred her by helicopter to a larger hospital in Ottawa where her oncologist team is. They put her on life support in order to safely sedate her and ensure she continued to breath.
The doctors where searching for the reason of the seizures and came up with a few possibilities. 1) infection. treatable with antibiotics (best case scenario). 2) bleeding on the brain. can be controlled with meds. and 3) the cancer has spread to her brain. (worst case scenario).
Today, almost a year to the day that we found the lump that began this journey, the doctors have confirmed that the cancer has spread to her brain. We are supposed to discuss treatment options tomorrow, but the prognosis is frightfully poor. I know the treatment option already. 2 weeks of intensive brain radiation and more chemo. I will not put her through any of that, just to prolong her life for a week or two, only to be attached to tubes and laying in a hospital bed. They are giving her days to possible weeks to live.
The love of my life is about to leave me, in a way, I never could have imagined. At a time in our lives, when we had just bought a new house, done tons of renos to make it our own, and finally where in a wonderful place in our lives. I have been with H, since I was 19. We have been giddy in love ever since. 17 years later, here we are. As she lays here in ICU, attached to life support, I hold her hand and say her name, she opens her eyes and squeezes my hand. She is so heavily sedated but she knows I am here. Today is Monday, we are at polar opposites from where we were last Monday. This disease has devoured my wife’s body and extinguished our plans to live a long beautiful life together.
I am numb with despair. I fear the coming days. The decisions I will be forced to make in my wife’s very best interest and not my own. At 37, she is to young to leave this world. At 35, I am to young to be a widow.
Our journey has not yet ended, and I am cherishing every moment I have with her, but it will end soon, or so they tell me. I don’t know how I will deal with the inevitable, I don’t even remember my life before H. I am terrified.
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