Lost

I have never been really good at directions. What kind of directions? ALL. Whether it’s driving somewhere, or finding a path in my life. It’s always been have been difficult to map and navigate.
Luckily for me, technology has pretty much solved one end of that dysfunction, with GPS. Now, if only someone could invent a GPS for life.
I suppose that, wouldn’t be any fun anyway, because half the fun in life, is the journey and not the destination right?!?

My latest “journey” (before my wife’s cancer diagnosis), was going back to school. University. Holy shit.
I started in September 2012 going for a bachelors degree, taking night classes. I was hoping to dive right into psychology. but it turns out, when you only have your high school diploma, and you got that in 1996, they don’t just let you pick and choose. Silly me.
So in September 2013, I began year two of a three year program, this time, full-time during the day.

I’m not sure I realized what being a 35 year old in university full-time during the day, actually meant. I soon found out. As I sat in class the first day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am old… Here I was so eager to learn, feeling like a kid again, until I looked around. I was surrounded by 18,19,20 year olds. Feet up, phones in hand, laptops scattered everywhere. Where the hell was I? I figured once the professor entered, things would clean up. She entered, but nobody moved. In fact, I think the room got louder. I was sitting in the front row, ready to take notes (by hand). All could hear now was the tapping of keyboards. Does anyone use pen and paper anymore? Apparently I’m a dinosaur. Thankfully I am computer literate and can do my homework and essays, but I was truly amazed at how things have changed so drastically. I’m ok with change, especially if it makes things better, but nearly being trampled by a herd of students because they are walking and texting is not a good thing.
I felt like a carton character those first few weeks. Dodging people who didn’t even know I was there, being stared at because I could basically be these kids parent.

Things got even more interesting for me when the professor said, team up… I’m pretty sure the whole class heard me gulp. I sat in my chair, shyly glancing around, watching people quickly gravitate to each other. I thought, this is going to be embarrassing. I’ve been trying to stay under the radar and just mind my own business and now I won’t have a partner. But, apparently, I underestimated these kids. Two girls came up to me and wanted to work with me, (impossible not to blush). Maybe they felt sorry for me lol I don’t care, at least I had partners.

It’s kind of funny doing a project with such young people. Questions like, “what’s an LP?” Or “is vanilla sky a song or a movie?” Made me cringe. But I suppose my questions like, “what is twerking?” Or “who’s Drake?” Were just as ridiculous to them. But we worked it out.

Thankfully that process is over. I now know what to expect and I know I can deal with it. As it turned out, given the circumstances, severity and progression of my wife’s disease, I chose to take a semester off in order to care for her and take her to appointments. My school is an hour and a half away, so it seemed too far to be, in case she needed me.
My plan is to return this fall 2014. If all goes well and my wife goes into remission, this is what I will do.

Sounds like I have direction doesn’t it?! But here’s where I fall short. I know what “kind” of work I want to do, but I still don’t have a solid path. I keep hoping, that by going to school, I will come across a specialty or more specific path. But since I’ve been off, I feel lost. Before, I felt I had the right path, I had the determination and drive. Now, all I feel is scared. Things with my wife are so uncertain, I can’t even think about the future. We have to take it day by day which makes thinking of the future hard.
I have to register by May, which gives me some time to get my shit together. But still. What if she still needs me home? What if things go south? I don’t even care for my school at this point, but it is a goal I have long been aiming for.

I always sucked at school, I always had “better” things to do. So to be as focused and ready and brave as I was to go back, was huge. And it made my wife so proud of me too… Just a bonus. But as the future is fuzzy right now, it’s hard to rev up the engine and get ready for more. I have to complete this and I will, it’s just hard to know what’s going to happen. Things are so uncertain… It makes me a little crazy.

I suppose I will find my way, I usually do, I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I thought I was doing the right thing by going to school and making something of myself. It just seems so tragic, that reaching a life long goal must be interrupted by my worst nightmare.

I guess only time will tell how this all plays out, I can only hope and pray it goes in mine and my wife’s favour…